One of those days....

ugh... I hate days like these... it's one of those days where my mind is all out of sort. I think how much I want to be with him and then I think that he really doesn't do what makes me happy then I think I'm just being irrational of course I'm happy when I'm with him. THEN I think if we both want to be together why can't we just be together? Maybe he doesn't want to be with me and that's why we're not together... but then I have to remember that I'm the one that told him we needed time. But how am I supposed to stay with someone that doesn't know if he loves me? I just remember how wonderful everything was... was.... and I think I may be trying to hold onto that... but then I wonder if it's just me being impatient. I remember him staying up until 3am talking to me when he had to get up for work at 4 and then calling me on his break at 10 and then as soon as he got out of work at 1.... I miss that.. I miss how much he wanted to know about me. What happened to that? Now somedays I can barely get ten minutes out of him. Did I bore him? Did he get sick of me? Was I just not enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough? Interesting enough? Was I too easy? I don't understand... Do I need to change who I am or do I let him go and try to find someone that will be satisfied.. no not satisfied, I want more than that, someone that will be happy with who I am? Am I the only one holding on? I don't know, I don't know... Then I stop and I begin to think rationally. He's in school, he's busy, he has a new life that he's trying to adjust to. New people, new surroundings, give him time. Then the impatience sets in again and I think what if I give him time and then he realizes there's no place for me in his new life? What a waste of my time, of my love. Or is it really a waste if I gave my all to someone and meant it? I don't think loving is a waste...but when it's not reciprocated it really does hurt.

Somedays I just wish that he would make the decision. I wish he would just tell me, ok I want to be with you and we're going to be together or say, you know what we need to just let this go. That way, either way, I can move on. But I know if he were to say no... there would be days where I would feel like, why didn't I just take what he was giving me? Any little bit of himself that he was willing to give me would have been better than nothing. I mean... throw a dog bone. But that right there just demonstrates my lack of self-value and I know that I'm worth more than that. It's hard to be "just friends" with someone when you love them. I'm not really sure that it's possible. I want all of him, not just half, not just a piece...all of him.

10 minutes later....

Y ahora ya que escribi todo lo anterior, ya que saque eso, ya que me fui al baño a llorar y orar, ya que se resolvio eso con el bus de Eze (su hermanito) y hable con su mama (no de esto pero solo una conversacion normal)... ya que hice todo eso me siento tranquila. Ya no me siento afligida y me siento con paz.... y todo lo que sentia se me quito y puedo ponerme a esperar de nuevo. Espero que sea la ultima vez pero en realidad quien sabe. Te digo.. estoy reloca.. y tengo que verme a mi misma antes de ver a los demas. Cambio lo mio y dejo que el cambie lo de el si es que lo quiere cambiar. Al final salgo ganado de todas maneras porque creci.

Dios mio, Dios mio, Dios mio... solo Tu puedes entenderme...