Trying to tolerate...

This was my response when someone asked me how I was doing today:


I'm fine. Trying to tolerate the pain. It's like an itch that I can't scratch and I'm desperate to do so! Yesterday I was fine, went to the gym, read, talked to my pastor, prayed and fell asleep watching a movie and reading the Bible. This morning I was excellent. Woke up in a great mood, prayed, took the boy to get his 4 teeth pulled and studied and took notes for my meeting with Pastors this afternoon. I felt wonderful. But now, that I'm at work.. I just can't help thinking about him and I'm trying really hard not to. I haven't heard from him and I sincerely doubt that I will. I know I'll definitely see him on August 11 when we go down there for the concert. It's not forever but, like you said, it really does feel like it.

I miss him. I miss his voice, his laugh, I miss hearing him call me hermosa, everything about him. But the one question that I really want to ask him is why did you become so mean? When did this person come out of you that I didn't even realize it until it was too late? Where in the world was I? Probably in the clouds.... something about him always lifted me to the clouds... and then there was an abrupt end to it all.

He was so sure at the beginning.. he was so reassuring. I felt all of his love, I trusted all of his promises, I believed them and made them a part of me and my future as well. Then, all of sudden it seemed, he no longer knew... he was no longer sure.. Each one of his doubts was like a knife through my chest.. turning and making the hole bigger and bigger... each time he was mean or rude to me for no reason I was caught off guard... I didn't know how to protect myself so I didn't... I just tried to protect him, to comfort him and make him feel better. I'm a woman! I'm a woman of God! Dios me hizo para ser protegida! Para ser amada y apreciada! "Porque se estima sobrepasa largamente a la de las piedras preciosas" (Prov. 31:10) Entonces porque me trataste asi? Porque me menospreciaste de esta manera? Yo no hice nada mas que amarte sin condicion. Te entregue todo lo de mi. El dia que te dije que por fin estoy entiendendo que en realidad me amas.. fue el dia que cambio todo parece.

El lunes hice una lista y me di cuenta que tenias muchas de las caracteristicas... pero mostrabas las negativas mucho mas a menudo. Alguien me dijo no puedes amar a un hombre por lo que puede ser algun dia, por su potencial, lo tienes que amar por quien es ahora. No esperes hasta ese dia que llegue ese cambio porque te vas a quedar esperando y decepcionada cuando no llegue a tu espectativa. Yo vea tanta hermosura dentro de ti. La veia porque de vez en cuando se te salia, o mas bien la dejabas salir. Te lo dije, te lo aprecie, te lo acepte. Cualquier herida que tenias trataba de darle un besito para hacerlo sentir mejor pero no fue suficiente. Como vas a sanar algo al cual le sigues metiendo dedo? Maybe I should be following my own advice y dejar que me corazon sane las heridas que tu le causaste? Y esperar a que me olvide de ti? Sera posible.....? Todo lo puedo con Cristo que me fortalece..

Mi lista

10 "Must Haves"

1. fuerza espiritual/buena relacion con Dios
2. inteligente
3. cariñoso/tierno
4. sincero
5. compresivo
6. sencible a mis sentimientos/benigno/thoughtful
7. feliz/divertido/chistoso
8. carismatico
9. buen platicador
10. guapo/atractivo



10 "Can't Stands"

1. mentiroso
2. mal humor
3. frio
4. meaness
5. bajo auto-estima
6. quejoso/negativo
7. grosero
8. no hablar, no saber expresarse
9. indeciso
10. no conoce sus limites/llevado