Changes

So many of them at once... it's really hard for me to handle.. I'm really trying so hard not to feel bad for myself.. no "woe to me", no victim here. I want to be a person of faith and trust in God. I'm trying, I really am. The one person that I would pour my heart out to is no longer in my life (Joel). The other person that would listen to me (Carol) is no longer in my life. I guess the latter doesn't hurt as much as the former...but nonetheless it hurts. There's an emptiness in my life that I'm trying so hard to fill with Christ's love. I know He can fill it but I'm not really sure that I'm willing to let him yet.

When it rains, it pours. There's so much truth to that, it's ridiculous. My life has taken such an unexpected turn in so many ways. Maybe I forsaw each and every last one of them...but I didn't forsee them happening all at once. Maybe this is God's way of making me depend on him completely. I really have no other choice. Everything that I leaned on is no longer available to me. Or maybe it is but just because it is doesn't mean that I should use it. My family right now is a mess. Yes, they helped me through the weekend but my parents are just..ugh.. I don't know. Here they go again. With their big mess. I don't even know how to describe that situation..the only word that can relate to what's going on with them is "mess". Just one big huge mess..and everytime it happens it hurts more than the last time. I'll never get used to my parent's fighting and it tears me up inside. I feel so tired and all I want to do is sleep... just sleep...I just want to close my eyes and rest....

I find pockets of peace.. or maybe it's pockets of storms that I'm experiencing... I'm not sure, I can't tell anymore. One is just running into the other. I don't understand. I loved him so much. You know, I never asked for time to figure out if I loved him or not, never. I just wanted time for him to figure out what he wanted. Let it be known though, that I never doubted my love for him. Never. There's nothing worse than loving and not being loved back...or maybe there is. Being replaced hurts even more.

I'm just hurting right now... I'm trying to fight through it but I'm so tired.