Vu-san's Replies

02/17/06

Alleghandra,

I am sorry that I have made you uncomfortable last night (and the last couple of days?).....it is not my intention. You need not worry about me hurting Rito....and you need not worry that her happiness will be jeapardized.

I care a lot about her, and I am not here to wreck her life (or even think about it), and she would NEVER allow such a thing; I have much respect for her and Li, and would never want to ruin our friendships.

It has not been an easy thing for me to adjust to, for this is unique even to an old and aged fogee like me, but I'll get it right. Right now, from an observer, it may appear that we are heading down a forbidden path, but trust me when I say that I am a responsible adult, who practices good judgement. Im not saying Im infallible, but I keep my head on straight (at least it looks straight to me! jk). Seriously, She and I have talked about where we stand, and we feel comfortable enough that we will not stray.

We became close in a short time, and we are excited with feelings of closeness and understanding for each other at the moment. As I look at the big picture, what I know...what she and I have talked about, I see that we will eventually calm down (we havent done anything immoral), and what we will have left is a genuine and beautiful friendship....which is ultimately what I hope for.

I have no alterior motives........in fact, I recognize that she is very lucky to have a great man like Li.......and Li is very lucky to have found her; and from where I stand, I am envious, but at peace and with joy, and I want the very best for them.

I know that you love her and look after her well-being and Im so glad she has a friend like you. But, I ask you to have patience and not to judge me just yet....we are sorting through this and making headway.

Your thoughts, if any and at your discretion, are welcomed......

02/28/06
Alley,

Thanks again for everything last night. I cant believe you took in a drunk person last night.....

You definitely made it easier for me last night (im sure the martinis helped some) but being able to talk about it was the best thing that couldve happened last night for me.

Yesterday, I was not ready to heal. The hurt was still growing. Today, its a little better.....at least I dont feel the need to go get drunk tonight.

Thanks again.

03/01/06

Sorry Alley....I hope all is well with you....thanks for your support I just sort of felt this anxiousness to know more.....

I said to her what I thought she needed to hear to move on. As to what I was feeling..... I cant stand to see her hurting. I want to just disregard everything I know to be right and just call her. I really want to just hear her voice. I want to see her. I want to drop a note on her desk while she's gone. sigh....

Of everything you and I talked about, the one thing that I held onto more so than anything (and there was lots to take in that night) is the idea that I would go with my feelings for her and disregard everything else, which included living with guilt everyday.....and thats something I cannot do. To live in guilt at what I have done....I would not be myself. The irony is that she does understand me and why I cannot follow this path. If she has learned anything about me, she would have known that I would eventually leave this, under the circumstances. I tried to tell her all this last thursday, but I couldnt, I was really happy and hurting at the same time....and then things blew up.

What hurts me is that she indicated that some of the very reasons that she felt love for me, ended up being the reasons that I couldnt be with her. why cant I just go with it?

As to how am I doing? Yesterday was better, the day before was worse. Who knows. I cant even think. I keep wondering, did I make the right choices? did I say the right things? Did I just totally lose everything? So many different feelings....dont know how to feel....dont know what to do. I wake up in the middle of the night, and first thing in the morning, to check for missed calls, messages, anything...

Alley, you have done so much for me already, and I sincerely thank you. If you have read this far, I again thank you. Thank you for caring. I know that you will be there for me if I need you. And now I must withdraw from you..............for now, because its hard for me not to think of her. Its hard for me to know that you are so close to her, that you spoke to her and see her. It has nothing to do with trust...because you are one I do trust. It has everything to do with me trying to move forward. Because I will always want to know from you, how she is....what she said....and I know you will not tell me much except what you are allowed (but I understand)....and that is torture for me.

There is no need to respond to this email Alley. You have already done so much for me and I cant ask for anything more......but just know that I'll be ok. Good bye for now. maybe a couple of days...maybe a couple of weeks. but you are definitely a friend for the long haul.

thanks.

Comentario de Alita:

It's funny how Vu-San wrote this and he spent the night at my house that very night... oh the mind and heart are two funny things.... especially when they aren't in sync.